listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm both gender and math confused
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
