when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
