woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
