I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
