my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize