Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
