dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
