when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize