Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
