Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
