so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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