Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
