i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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