Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize