a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
