It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
