I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
