2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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