I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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