so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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