I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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