why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
