So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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