it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My cat gives me a boner
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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