Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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