party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
