Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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