Four minutes until I can fart!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
