if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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