Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
