dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
