Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
