Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
