I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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