just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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