My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
