I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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