96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
