i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
