so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
