wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
