I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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