marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
