and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
