A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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