I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
