Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
