Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
