Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
