He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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