I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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