How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize