I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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