i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
