is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
