Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
