why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
