This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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