Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we're making bets on your personal life
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
