Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
