fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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