Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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