No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
