Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
