PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
