so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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