fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
