It's like a parade of train wrecks.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
