cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
